Friday night I had the worst nightmare of my life. It dealt with my mom's death, it was like reliving the entire tragedy but worse. I won't even go into details bc it was so awful.
I woke up and thought ok, I will just go pee, go back to bed, and try to fall back to sleep. When I returned, the moment my head touched the pillow I began to violently cry. Then all the images of the nightmare flooded back into vision and all I could do was scream and cry. Raul woke up startled, of course. I am usually an "invisible cryer".
In the course of my hoarse screams and wailing I could barely breath. My lungs were avid for thick, soothing oxygen, instead they received nothing. I tried to tell Raul I couldn't breath until he finally understood me and rolled me onto my back. I was gulping as though dehydrated and drinking ice cool water after days without it, but no inhale sufficed.
The entire experience was similar to the feeling of paralysis and imminent danger all around me. The pain was excruciating, the searing, blazing visions, slashing my chest, burning my skull, and the screams just didn't come out loud enough. I had no air to generate them.
Raul finally made me take some medication which I initially refused bc I couldn't breath and felt so sick. After about 15 minutes I calmed, took more meds then had some giggle fits, crying until I finally passed out. This was from about 4am until 5am. It was one of the worst nights of my life, anyone who has known me knows that I have had some bad nights.
Nightmares are supposed to be a normal part of grief, but I wouldn't wish that on any enemy. That just seemed cruel and unnecessary. Do I need to feel that much pain, I have cried myself to sleep and intermittently through out the day ever since. It didn't just open a sluggishly healing wound, it poured pure acid into while ripping it apart and exposing it to each and every little thing that reminds me of my mom. Now I have a torn crooked, gaping lesion I have to try to live with everyday.
I'm already crying on my walks in between classes and even silently in class sometimes, and while sitting at my desk at work, and randomly while doing anything and everything. That dream was just so awful and so unnecessary.
Now I am also terrified of sleeping.
2 comments:
kelly- oy my goodness. Thats so horrible. Im sooooo sorry. I cant even imagine. I wish I could have been there for you. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain and grieving and sorrow and everything. love you tunz. I am here for you if you ever need to cry or vent or anything. xoxoxoxoxoxox x infinity. love ya
Anytime, sis. Hey, I think you and I are more alike than I originally thought so. I have THE HARDEST time leaning on ppl when I need someone the most, too. (just thought that was fun (i guess) how you and I are alike)
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